This post is still incomplete

Good Times In Retail

BR 1/29/07 BRBR Akili saw the grandfather of all hot tubs at Costco yesterday, and it had the scary attribute of No Price Tag: If You Have To Ask, You Can't Afford It. "Looked wonderful, though. I'd love to have one of those in my nonexistent screened patio out in the backyard, even if I'd probably never use it often enough."

Calin chuckles.

Calin says, "Yeah, having to ask means they won't tell you the price without a SalesPerson there to lie to you, or otherwise prevent you from simply turning around and leaving."

Calin says, "Whether you can afford it or not, it's more than a person should be paying for whatever it is."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Well, Costco's pretty good about that sort of thing, actually. Their floor staff aren't really salesmen."

Akili rumbles lightly, "But I do think they avoid a few heart attacks caused by the shock of the revelation."

Calin nods. "I meant in general, of course."

- * call for price

Calin says, "Never a good sign, on an online product list."

- "Hi, I'd like to buy this. How much is it? Seven, eight grand?" 'Let's see, that one is... yikes.' "...C'mon, tell me." '...39,999.99.' *thump-thump thu--* 'Crap, not again. Medic!'

Calin chuckles. "I think that happened with the projector Staples sold."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Generally not, no. There only a few occasions I've seen it where it makes sense, with certain products that have prices that fluctuate more rapidly than catalog releases."

Calin nods.

Akili grins. "Oh? Do tell. I must have missed that one."

Calin asks, "You don't remember that thing?"

Calin says, "We didn't actually have any in the store. Not ever."

Akili rumbles lightly, "I'm trying to recall, but it's not coming."

Calin says, "We had one on display though, with a price tag of like 3 grand."

Akili laughs. "One of those lovely items."

Calin says, "I think I remember seeing several people walk over to it and check the price tag, shudder, and walk away."

Akili grins.

Akili rumbles lightly, "Say... I do remember something like that."

Akili asks, "What brand was it? Epson?"

Calin says, "Once, I remember somebody actually asking for one. Of course, we didn't have it in stock. He made a small scene, and then left without ordering it."

Calin says, "I don't know."

Akili laughs. "Nice."

Calin says, "It was on the display with the video-out pcmcia cards."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Along the lines of 'why the hell is this on display if you don't have any to sell?!' I'd wager."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Yeah, those I remember."

Calin says, "Probably something like, 'The only reason I'd even CONSIDER paying this price is because I need it right-freaking-now.'"

Akili rumbles lightly, "Including the one that got transferred into a printer, which was then relocated into the cash room."

Calin chuckles. "Yep."

Akili would pay $50 to get a video of the reaction of whomever discovered it one day.

Calin says, "And prior to that, was in a plastic card case on the display."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Yup. All the rest was fake. I was seriously amazed that the card had been real all the time."

Calin says, "A plastic case that was attached in such a way that anybody could open it and gank the card."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Right. And never did."

Calin says, "And yet, nobody did. Till us."

Calin says, "Man. You don't need to remind me to never take a managerial position at a retail store."

Akili laughs. "Yeah... I think we have a way of altering whatever structure is in place wherever we show up."

Calin says, "If Luis had ever gone through all the cupboards and nooks and crannies, he'd have had an aneurysm like 3 or 4 times over."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Nothing serious... but definite change. No one ELSE started writing As The Staple Turns."

Calin asks, "What... is this expensive looking card... just sitting here in this printer?"

Calin asks, "Did that used to be product?"

Akili laughs. "Why is this disk labeled Norton System Hose?"

Calin asks, "Why... is there a shelf in the bailer?"

Akili is glad he's at home, he's laughing so hard.

Calin asks, "How the hell did a bag of candy get 'returned' as 'damaged??'"

Akili reads that last line over and over and keeps laughing harder.

Calin asks, "... Why is there a box of 40, yes FORTY 4mb compact flash cards hiding under this cabinet? They aren't in the system. They have never been in the system."

Akili asks, "...Why does the manager's office have pry marks around the doorframe?"

Akili rumbles lightly, "Yeah, that one with the flash cards is great."

Calin asks, "Why are there footprints... on the 40 foot ceiling in the back room?"

Akili busts up again.

Calin grins.

Akili rumbles lightly, "How'd *that* one get managed?"

Calin admits to making that one up. "I was trying to think of something relating to climbing around on the warehouse shelves, which nobody was supposed to do."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Y'know, it's bad enough to freak out when merchandise disappears. It's somehow worse when stuff - and a lot of it - is mysteriously discovered. It's something that was of value, and is fitting to your store, but isn't mentioned in any remaining records."

Calin says, "Yep."

Calin says, "Things that go missing... well, it's bad, but it happens."

Akili laughs. "Ahh. Yeah, I was back there for a time. When I was tired of being on the floor, I came up with the bright idea of inventorying, filing, and destroying huge computer boxes."

Calin says, "Things that get discovered make you wonder how they slipped through the system, and when the other shoe is going to fall."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Granted, it wasn't the sole purpose of the idea, because there were far too many huge boxes. But it was a great perk."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Indeed."

Calin says, "Like finding an old bill... still in an unopened envelope."

Akili can only wonder how many ancient software packages are still in that particular room, that were never removed for return to the main office to be disposed of, or whatever it is they do with merchandise that is no longer going to be sold.

Calin says, "You suddenly think, 'Did I pay that online?'"

Calin asks, "Or maybe I was late, so they sent me a warning, and I paid with THAT envelope?"

Akili hates that feeling.

Calin nods.

Akili thinks for a few minutes about all the stuff he did at Staples and Radio Shack, and realizes that he'd never want to manage someone like himself.

Akili rumbles lightly, "Because unless I was there All The Time... I know what would happen."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Some would be neat, some would be frightening, and some would just make me stop and stare."

Calin nods. "I'm generally a good employee.

Calin says, "And yet..."

- "What do you mean, you installed Tetris on the Point Of Sale systems?!"

- "And why does the Enter key say Fire Photon Torpedoes?"

Calin busts up.

- "What do you mean, there's no trash can under the trash can cover? It's full to the top!"

Calin says, "Even for a good employee, never underestimate the power of boredom, the temptation of items that have no record in the system, or necessity to get around stupid procedure."

- "How was the vending machine so empty when no one's been able to put coins in it for a month?"

Calin grins. "Well it's not OUR fault it spewed forth its contents without payment.

Akili rumbles lightly, "To some extent. But I think that we had rather more active imaginations, or at least far more creative thinking. We engaged in much higher-level entertainment. An ordinary employee would scribble on the counter with a pen. We'd find a way to launch pens 20 feet into the air to embed themselves into the ceiling, which no one important would notice for months."

- Luis's vein pulses. "Why... is there a chewed up CD permanently welded into the teeth of this paper shredder??

Akili rumbles lightly, "I suppose it's that we weren't satisfied with being bored. We wanted to be entertained."

Akili laughs!!

- Luis's forehead throbs. "And why are the rest of these shredders all broken?"

Calin asks, "And while we're at it... why are there staples punched through every metal surface with a thickness of less than 1/4 inch?"

Calin asks, "Why is there a hangman's noose nonchalantly hanging with all the tech room cables?"

Akili especially liked the saga of the Amazing Disappearing/Reappearing Trigem PC.

Paw chuckles.

Paw purrs, "Sometimes... I miss Staples."

Calin asks, "Trigem?"

Paw purrs, "Yeah, it was an off brand."

Calin says, "Ah."

Calin says, "Man, that was a stressful couple of days."

Paw asks, "Which couple of days?"

Calin says, "When a computer disappeared."

- "Hey, Luis? This PC is missing. I've looked for it everywhere. It's gone." *vent, fume* 'Fine, I'll remove it from the system' *one week later* "Hey, Luis? That missing PC... showed up again. Right in plain sight." *fume, throb* 'What?! How the he... no, just forget it.'

Calin says, "Maybe that's not the time I'm thinking of."

Akili rumbles lightly, "It was probably less than a week."

Calin says, "There was a missing computer, and Luis had EVERYone hunting for it."

Calin says, "I think he was on the verge of calling in the cops to question all of us."

Akili rumbles lightly, "It might have been the same one. One person reported it missing, and someone else found it. I know I was the bearer of news for one side."

Calin says, "Eventually it turned up in a little secret room in the back of the warehouse."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Or for all I know, it could have happened again after I left."

Calin says, "A room that, until then, I had not known was there."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Whoa."

Akili doesn't remember a secret room. "That must have been a second time, then."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Which could explain why he was going nuclear."

Calin nods.