Good Times In Retail

1/29/07

Akili saw the grandfather of all hot tubs at Costco yesterday, and it had the scary attribute of No Price Tag: If You Have To Ask, You Can't Afford It. "Looked wonderful, though. I'd love to have one of those in my nonexistent screened patio out in the backyard, even if I'd probably never use it often enough."

Calin chuckles.

Calin says, "Yeah, having to ask means they won't tell you the price without a SalesPerson there to lie to you, or otherwise prevent you from simply turning around and leaving."

Calin says, "Whether you can afford it or not, it's more than a person should be paying for whatever it is."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Well, Costco's pretty good about that sort of thing, actually. Their floor staff aren't really salesmen."

Akili rumbles lightly, "But I do think they avoid a few heart attacks caused by the shock of the revelation."

Calin nods. "I meant in general, of course."

- * call for price

Calin says, "Never a good sign, on an online product list."

- "Hi, I'd like to buy this. How much is it? Seven, eight grand?" 'Let's see, that one is... yikes.' "...C'mon, tell me." '...39,999.99.' *thump-thump thu--* 'Crap, not again. Medic!'

Calin chuckles. "I think that happened with the projector Staples sold."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Generally not, no. There only a few occasions I've seen it where it makes sense, with certain products that have prices that fluctuate more rapidly than catalog releases."

Calin nods.

Akili grins. "Oh? Do tell. I must have missed that one."

Calin asks, "You don't remember that thing?"

Calin says, "We didn't actually have any in the store. Not ever."

Akili rumbles lightly, "I'm trying to recall, but it's not coming."

Calin says, "We had one on display though, with a price tag of like 3 grand."

Akili laughs. "One of those lovely items."

Calin says, "I think I remember seeing several people walk over to it and check the price tag, shudder, and walk away."

Akili grins.

Akili rumbles lightly, "Say... I do remember something like that."

Akili asks, "What brand was it? Epson?"

Calin says, "Once, I remember somebody actually asking for one. Of course, we didn't have it in stock. He made a small scene, and then left without ordering it."

Calin says, "I don't know."

Akili laughs. "Nice."

Calin says, "It was on the display with the video-out pcmcia cards."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Along the lines of 'why the hell is this on display if you don't have any to sell?!' I'd wager."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Yeah, those I remember."

Calin says, "Probably something like, 'The only reason I'd even CONSIDER paying this price is because I need it right-freaking-now.'"

Akili rumbles lightly, "Including the one that got transferred into a printer, which was then relocated into the cash room."

Calin chuckles. "Yep."

Akili would pay $50 to get a video of the reaction of whomever discovered it one day.

Calin says, "And prior to that, was in a plastic card case on the display."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Yup. All the rest was fake. I was seriously amazed that the card had been real all the time."

Calin says, "A plastic case that was attached in such a way that anybody could open it and gank the card."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Right. And never did."

Calin says, "And yet, nobody did. Till us."

Calin says, "Man. You don't need to remind me to never take a managerial position at a retail store."

Akili laughs. "Yeah... I think we have a way of altering whatever structure is in place wherever we show up."

Calin says, "If Luis had ever gone through all the cupboards and nooks and crannies, he'd have had an aneurysm like 3 or 4 times over."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Nothing serious... but definite change. No one ELSE started writing As The Staple Turns."

Calin asks, "What... is this expensive looking card... just sitting here in this printer?"

Calin asks, "Did that used to be product?"

Akili laughs. "Why is this disk labeled Norton System Hose?"

Calin asks, "Why... is there a shelf in the bailer?"

Akili is glad he's at home, he's laughing so hard.

Calin asks, "How the hell did a bag of candy get 'returned' as 'damaged??'"

Akili reads that last line over and over and keeps laughing harder.

Calin asks, "... Why is there a box of 40, yes FORTY 4mb compact flash cards hiding under this cabinet? They aren't in the system. They have never been in the system."

Akili asks, "...Why does the manager's office have pry marks around the doorframe?"

Akili rumbles lightly, "Yeah, that one with the flash cards is great."

Calin asks, "Why are there footprints... on the 40 foot ceiling in the back room?"

Akili busts up again.

Calin grins.

Akili rumbles lightly, "How'd *that* one get managed?"

Calin admits to making that one up. "I was trying to think of something relating to climbing around on the warehouse shelves, which nobody was supposed to do."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Y'know, it's bad enough to freak out when merchandise disappears. It's somehow worse when stuff - and a lot of it - is mysteriously discovered. It's something that was of value, and is fitting to your store, but isn't mentioned in any remaining records."

Calin says, "Yep."

Calin says, "Things that go missing... well, it's bad, but it happens."

Akili laughs. "Ahh. Yeah, I was back there for a time. When I was tired of being on the floor, I came up with the bright idea of inventorying, filing, and destroying huge computer boxes."

Calin says, "Things that get discovered make you wonder how they slipped through the system, and when the other shoe is going to fall."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Granted, it wasn't the sole purpose of the idea, because there were far too many huge boxes. But it was a great perk."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Indeed."

Calin says, "Like finding an old bill... still in an unopened envelope."

Akili can only wonder how many ancient software packages are still in that particular room, that were never removed for return to the main office to be disposed of, or whatever it is they do with merchandise that is no longer going to be sold.

Calin says, "You suddenly think, 'Did I pay that online?'"

Calin asks, "Or maybe I was late, so they sent me a warning, and I paid with THAT envelope?"

Akili hates that feeling.

Calin nods.

Akili thinks for a few minutes about all the stuff he did at Staples and Radio Shack, and realizes that he'd never want to manage someone like himself.

Akili rumbles lightly, "Because unless I was there All The Time... I know what would happen."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Some would be neat, some would be frightening, and some would just make me stop and stare."

Calin nods. "I'm generally a good employee.

Calin says, "And yet..."

- "What do you mean, you installed Tetris on the Point Of Sale systems?!"

- "And why does the Enter key say Fire Photon Torpedoes?"

Calin busts up.

- "What do you mean, there's no trash can under the trash can cover? It's full to the top!"

Calin says, "Even for a good employee, never underestimate the power of boredom, the temptation of items that have no record in the system, or necessity to get around stupid procedure."

- "How was the vending machine so empty when no one's been able to put coins in it for a month?"

Calin grins. "Well it's not OUR fault it spewed forth its contents without payment.

Akili rumbles lightly, "To some extent. But I think that we had rather more active imaginations, or at least far more creative thinking. We engaged in much higher-level entertainment. An ordinary employee would scribble on the counter with a pen. We'd find a way to launch pens 20 feet into the air to embed themselves into the ceiling, which no one important would notice for months."

- Luis's vein pulses. "Why... is there a chewed up CD permanently welded into the teeth of this paper shredder??

Akili rumbles lightly, "I suppose it's that we weren't satisfied with being bored. We wanted to be entertained."

Akili laughs!!

- Luis's forehead throbs. "And why are the rest of these shredders all broken?"

Calin asks, "And while we're at it... why are there staples punched through every metal surface with a thickness of less than 1/4 inch?"

Calin asks, "Why is there a hangman's noose nonchalantly hanging with all the tech room cables?"

Akili especially liked the saga of the Amazing Disappearing/Reappearing Trigem PC.

Paw chuckles.

Paw purrs, "Sometimes... I miss Staples."

Calin asks, "Trigem?"

Paw purrs, "Yeah, it was an off brand."

Calin says, "Ah."

Calin says, "Man, that was a stressful couple of days."

Paw asks, "Which couple of days?"

Calin says, "When a computer disappeared."

- "Hey, Luis? This PC is missing. I've looked for it everywhere. It's gone." *vent, fume* 'Fine, I'll remove it from the system' *one week later* "Hey, Luis? That missing PC... showed up again. Right in plain sight." *fume, throb* 'What?! How the he... no, just forget it.'

Calin says, "Maybe that's not the time I'm thinking of."

Akili rumbles lightly, "It was probably less than a week."

Calin says, "There was a missing computer, and Luis had EVERYone hunting for it."

Calin says, "I think he was on the verge of calling in the cops to question all of us."

Akili rumbles lightly, "It might have been the same one. One person reported it missing, and someone else found it. I know I was the bearer of news for one side."

Calin says, "Eventually it turned up in a little secret room in the back of the warehouse."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Or for all I know, it could have happened again after I left."

Calin says, "A room that, until then, I had not known was there."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Whoa."

Akili doesn't remember a secret room. "That must have been a second time, then."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Which could explain why he was going nuclear."

Calin nods.

Calin says, "I think physically, the room was behind the manager's office."

Calin says, "The entrance was from the warehouse though."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Personally, I have enough amusing memories of Staples to last me for a while. I don't think I could bear to work there again."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Fascinating. Probably obscured by something that was only recently moved out of the way."

Calin says, "Perhaps."

Akili wonders what else was in there.

Akili rumbles lightly, "I don't recall it being mentioned on Paw's Unreal Map he built later."

Calin says, "Anyway, it was pretty clear that time that some employee had planned to gank it, but couldn't find a way to get it off the property."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Yeah... yikes."

Akili shakes his head. "In another year or so, that'll have been ten years ago."

Calin says, "Yup. 1998 it was, I believe."

Calin says, "I was the last of us to leave, and I think I left in March."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Yeah. I started at Radio Shack in '97, worked there for about six months, which put me into '98 then went to Staples, and was there for roughly four."

Calin says, "Pretty sure, as it was April 1st when I started at TRS. I remember the idea that my employment was an April Fool's joke."

Akili can't believe he can recall so much out of such a short period of time.

Akili grins. "That's right. I'd forgotten."

Calin says, "Hmm. That would have been April 99."

Akili rumbles lightly, "I brought you in one day and you just hung around for free. Several people there were impressed by that."

Calin asks, "Well the work was fun, and what better interview?"

Akili rumbles lightly, "Yup."

Paw purrs, "Wow, I didn't know that room was there."

Calin says, "Yeah, see. A secret room."

Calin says, "The door was in plain-ish sight... but I think stuff tended to pile up over there."

Calin says, "Making it impractical to GET to the door, if nothing else."

Paw purrs, "Huh."

Paw purrs, "I was there when the building was totally empty except for the racks... and I never saw that room."

Calin says, "Huh."

Calin tries to explain exactly where the door was. "Ok, you remember the warehouse. If you were facing the back wall, there were giant racks in front of you. To your left, near the front wall, was a door that led into a hallway."

Calin asks, "With me so far?"

Akili is.

Paw purrs, "Right."

Calin says, "On that same left hand wall, about halfway to the back of the warehouse, was... the secret door."

Paw purrs, "Huh. I think I remember a door there."

Akili asks, "How close was the end of the racks to that door?"

Paw purrs, "I don't remember ever thinking about it, though."

Calin says, "I don't remember. I seem to recall that the racks didn't quite reach to that wall. Like there was a gap or something."

Akili seems to have vague memories of it too, in fact. "Was it a janitor's closet?"

Calin says, "Yeah Paw, same for me. I just never thought about that door before."

Calin says, "I'm not really sure what was in there."

Calin says, "I didn't find the computer, and I didn't want to be seen snooping around there once it had been found."

Akili grins. "Good point."

Calin says, "And by the time it all blew over, I'd probably forgotten about it again."

Akili chuckles.

Calin says, "Except as it relates to the story, anyway."

Calin says, "I'm pretty sure I was not much longer for that world anyway, at that point."

Calin says, "I think I was the only one of the three of us still there."

Akili nods. "If I'd been there, I'd probably have investigated that room anyway, despite the lack of wisdom in doing so."

Calin chuckles.

Calin suddenly remembers another aneurysm. "Why are there three pager boxes in the tiny space underneath this cabinet?

Paw chuckles.

Calin says, "Man. Thinking about it... I suspect that Staples was too large and diverse a store to carry the small-but-expensive electronics."

Paw purrs, "Yeah... and all those cameras that got stolen."

Paw purrs, "That sucked bad."

Calin says, "A small store, with a small list of employees, could manage it much better."

Paw purrs, "Gee, let's stick all the cameras right under this thin sheet of glass that I can easily pry up."

Paw purrs, "Of course... I never really thought about it."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Someone once managed to steal a laptop out of those anti-theft cases, too."

Calin says, "And the laptops... their plastic holders snapped in half, with the alarm still attached."

Paw purrs, "Despite the fact that I frequently lifted the glass when rearranging stuff in there."

Calin says, "That of course was bad planning. The alarm needed to be attached to the LAPTOP."

Calin says, "Those cameras got stolen a few times."

Calin says, "I think once the glass was lifted, once broken..."

Akili asks, "Broken? Really?"

Akili rumbles lightly, "That's not very subtle."

Calin says, "And once they got ganked while Mr. Staples had the glass off to clean it."

Akili rumbles lightly, "I remember that one."

Calin says, "He got ripped a new one for that."

Calin says, "Maybe it wasn't broken. I thought I heard about that happening shortly before I started there."

Akili rumbles lightly, "Funny, that. If it were one of us salespeople, they wouldn't bother. We'd just be fired."

Calin says, "I know the laptop in the anti-theft case was before my time. By a matter of days."

Akili rumbles lightly, "You started after me, as I recall."

Paw oohs and aaahs at the trailer for Unreal Tournament III.

Calin nods.

Akili wasn't there when they were stolen, though.

Calin says, "Huh. Maybe it was earlier than that."

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